Sunday, August 10, 2008; 10:59 pm by Not Suzi.

Nothing interesting going on here.  Got my sofa delivered and it is HUGE (100”W x 44”D x 30”H), but beautiful and I’ve added two orange and gold throw pillows to it (see pictures below).  I have my old sofa up for sale on CL but no takers yet.  I still have to find the bag of screws/nuts/bolts, etc. for the dining room table and bedroom set.  I’m slowly unpacking but am having a hard time getting things in their place.  I don’t know if it is a storage issue or just a very different layout than what I’m used to but I can’t quite seem to get things organized.  Not to mention I’m missing some things that have yet to be found and unpacked (silverware, glasses, etc.).  And I need bookshelves (have a lot of books).  I got rid of mine when I moved from Chicago to AL because our house there had an entire wall of bookcases.  Now I have none so I’m going to see what I can find that will fit up in my loft with a small desk and maybe a comfy chair.

There are a hundred little things that need to be done.  I’m getting some responses to the post I did on CL for a handyman and hope to have someone in here in the next week or so.  I’d like to find the furniture screws first so he can put the dining table together.

Gave Dempsey a much needed bath today and scooped the poop in the yard.  Finally did some grocery shopping after over a month in my new house.  Found the DVD player and got the TV set up so movies can be watched.  Also found the DVR DirectTV receiver.  I was worried I left it in AL and was going to have to pay them for it.  Now I can return it to that shit-ass company.  Still researching other options for TV viewing; I like satellite but don’t want to go with DirectTV again but am not sure about DishNetwork.  Cable is last on the list.  But to be honest, I don’t watch that much TV and don’t miss it.  It has literally been months since I’ve watch any shows consistently.

I found a place to upholster my chair and need to go pick out fabric.  I’m also looking at paint colors for a couple of the walls and will get the wood floor installed in the next couple months.  So, like I said there is not much happening at mi casa.

Here are the sofa and pillows I got.  I know it’s white and I should be crazy but I love it.  I can order slipcovers to change out the white (which I will be doing) to give it a different feel.  I love the pillows and the gold koi embroidered on the orange.  It will go very well with the hardwood and burnt orange wall I have planned.   Click the pictures to enlarge.

Posted in Blog, Life, Home | No Comments »

Monday, July 28, 2008; 10:42 pm by Not Suzi.

My plan was to go to bed early. I got a massage after work, grabbed dinner then came home with the intent of relaxing in bed with a book by 9:30 and asleep not long after. However, my dog had other ideas since he has been home alone all day and wanted to play, not sleep. One of the reasons I’m so tired is because for the past three mornings he has been waking me up at 5 a.m.  I let him out thinking he’s about to piss himself (and my floor) only to find that he wants to wander around sniffing everything, play with his toys and chase the cat that like to sleep along the top of my fence. Takes him about 10 minutes to finally pee, all the while I’m becoming more awake. I finally get back to bed looking forward to more sleep and he’s doing it again an hour later! Fucker.

Posted in doggie, Life | No Comments »

Tuesday, July 15, 2008; 9:48 pm by Not Suzi.

People have been asking me when I’m going to start blogging again. To be honest, I plan to every night but usually get distracted or tired and everything I wanted to blog about just leaves my head. But I promised I’d make an effort and try to get back into the habit of doing it a couple times a week at least.

I’m in my new home and LOVE IT! I love the location and am enjoying the home improvement part of home-ownership. I have owned four homes in the past 15 years but this one seems to be the most “me”. Dempsey loves it here…he runs up and down the stairs and around the main floor. His personality has changed in the short amount of time we’ve been here. He seems happier and more at peace; but then so am I. I’ll post pictures when I finally get unpacked.

My little sis will be here in 5 days! Yay! I haven’t seen her since I left Chicago to come out here at the end of March and I miss her terribly. We’re staying at her timeshare for a few days and heading north to see the Grand Canyon, since neither of us have been there. I keep trying to get her to move out here with me but somehow life with her husband and kids keep her there. Go figure.

I have so much unpacking to do but don’t feel like doing any of it because of this head cold I have. I want to get the kitchen organized and my clothes hung up by the weekend before little sis’ visit but I doubt I will finish it all. Plus, I have to take Dempsey to the vet tomorrow night to update his shots since I’m boarding him while we’re away.

I should get the last load from my movers next week sometime. I plan on selling most of the furniture since it doesn’t quite fit into this home and my style, and it reminds me of a lot of things I’d rather not think about. I can’t wait for my mattress though; right now I’m sleeping on my old one that is going in the guest room.

I have a sofa picked out that I need to make time to order and I think I’m going to have my chair upholstered since I love it so much and can’t find anything comparable. The movers really trashed it (torn arm, scuff, broken leg rest) so I’ll use the money from the insurance and apply to new fabric. Right now it is covered in leather but I think that material is too hot for this climate.

See, I blogged. Sorry to bore you but there’s not much exciting going on.

Posted in Blog, Life, Home, General | No Comments »

Friday, May 9, 2008; 7:01 pm by Not Suzi.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the various emotions I have encountered in my life in the past year, especially these last couple months. Not from a neurotic viewpoint but more as a bystander observing the process. I know about the stages of grief and how every person experiences them differently, but that is not where my thoughts lie.

People seem to think that sorrow is a fragile emotion but I’ve found it to be anything but frail and brittle. It is a thick, stifling rage full of betrayal and guilt; a deep, hollow ache that steals hope. It turns you into a liar…to your friends, your family and yourself; outwardly you’re “doing fine” when really that voice in your head is screaming. It’s the hand that pushes you under every time you come up for air. It’s every dark thought you’re afraid to have and every dream that is no longer. You wish it would numb the pain but instead it brings it into sharp focus, demanding attention like the burning sting of lemon juice in paper cut.

There is nothing delicate about sorrow. Sorrow is the albatross of remembrance.

Posted in Sadness, Life | No Comments »

Tuesday, April 22, 2008; 9:17 pm by Not Suzi.

Reading back over my previous post I find it kinda ironic that I thought I had hit a limit of sorts. Needless to say, I had no idea what life had in store for me.

To give you some background, in early December Lomee had started drinking heavily (in secret) to deal with emotional issues related to his family. After 2 months of begging him to get help and going through a version of hell I never expected to experience, I finally left him mid-February. I could not see myself continuing to live in the life he was choosing and I felt as long as I was around to clean up the mess, he would never stop and/or get help on his own. I didn’t stop loving him; I was removing myself from a seriously bad situation. I could go into the details but they are pretty ugly. I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions and you may not be far from the truth. I was trying to be a loving, supportive wife at the risk of losing my own sanity. Needless to say, it was difficult for me to objectively look at the situation I was in, so after much discussion with family and friends I returned to Chicago.

Those 2 or so months when he was drinking were so opposite from what we had been living the previous 5. I felt blindsided and had no clue what to do or how to react. It was so stressful trying to pretend everything was fine when I was at work or talking to family, but having this feeling of unease about what was going on in my personal life with my husband. I’d drive home from work crying, wondering what was waiting for me when I got home.

He stopped coming to bed to sleep, claiming insomnia and needing time alone. When I started find empty vodka bottles I figured out he was staying up all night drinking and passing out in his recliner. I started searching around and would find some with booze in them. I’d dump them out if I felt like fighting or fill them with water if I was too exhausted from trying to make him see what was happening to us. When I’d confront him we would have a huge fight with it always ending up with him promising to quit.

He was unmotivated: stopped cooking, started going into work later and leaving earlier, stopped playing guitar, gave up showering on weekends, watched DVDs for hours and days on end. So, he didn’t stop drinking…just tried hiding it better but the signs were easy to see once I knew what to look for. After a huge blow-up and my meeting with a therapist only to hear what I already knew, I started talking more with my sister about what was happening. On Valentine’s Day when I had made plans for us, he decided not to come home from work and went out with a friend. He didn’t come home for 2 days. My sisters and family were down there that Saturday to pack my stuff and head to Chicago.

I spoke at length with Lomee over the next week. He had stopped drinking (for the moment) and was depressed because he had a meeting with his work with the result being that he was to go into the EAP program and get well or it would cost him his job. He accepted these terms, however rejected every offer of help in order for him to keep his therapy appointments. He canceled and rescheduled 3 appointments over the next 4 days, never making any of them. Ultimately, they ended up terminating him because of this.

We discussed him finding a new job and us reconciling once he was in a better place. He had a couple leads from friends on jobs in other parts of the country and was talking to a head hunter. He seemed down but was level-headed and motivated. He wasn’t feeling well and said he was going to get some rest and would talk to me later. I wasn’t able to reach him the rest of the day and night so the next day I had the police do a well visit check. He was home and said he knew I was trying to reach him but he wanted to be alone and would call me later.

I didn’t talk to him for a few days and was getting worried so I had a neighbor go over and check on him. The neighbor couldn’t get an answer to his knocks, noticed the mail piling up and called the police. I received a call later that afternoon from his sister saying that the police were able to get into the house and they found him dead at the bottom of the stairs. It looked like he had started throwing up blood at the top of the stairs and collapsed, sliding down to the bottom. The cause of death was cardiopulmonary arrest due to diabetes and pancreatitis.

I was instantly dropped into a state of surreality that continued for quite a few weeks. I went back to our home to handle a minutia of tasks that I never expected to have to deal with. So many friends and family members helped me along the way: taking me to the airport, paying for my ticket, picking me up and making a 2 hour drive to our town, giving me a place to stay so I didn’t have to stay at the house where he died, opening their workplace to me so I would have somewhere to make calls and send faxes from. My close friend Dana flew in from Chicago for a couple days to not only be with me but also help out with packing and the many phone calls that needed to be made, thereby making my life a little easier which allowed me to start grieving in a place where I felt safe and the comfort of a good friend. My mere words or actions cannot express the gratitude I have for the people that helped or offered assistance. I am eternally grateful for every prayer sent my way, not only during the immediate days after his passing but also continuing through today.

Lomee had many friends throughout is life that thought so highly of him, as he did them. He expressed many times how much he loved my family and was amazed by our closeness and the laughter we share so easily. He enjoyed watching movies about the triumph of the human spirit, which always left him in tears but didn’t stop him from watching them over and over again. You only had to look into those amazing blue eyes and listen to his soft southern voice to know his faith and see his dreams; they were both such an integral part of his very existence. Despite the problems he had, he was a very sweet man with a warm, loving heart and an extremely kind soul, a man I know that will be truly missed by many. He played a kick-ass guitar, had a brain like a computer, was damn near a chef in the kitchen and loved me more than I thought was ever possible.

Posted in Sadness, Life, My Sweetie | 1 Comment »

Sunday, February 17, 2008; 12:00 am by Not Suzi.

Well, OK. Maybe I’m not actually a blatant liar, but I have lied by omission. My life is a mess. I’m going through a serious life transition right now. I went into something trusting and loving with an open heart, giving all I had the best I knew how and now I am paying the price.

I’m a pretty strong person and good at moving on and leaving emotional baggage behind. I’ll be fine. I’ll have some scars though but nothing too bad. Just a reminder of how good and bad it was at one time. I’m both surprised and blessed at the number of people that care for me and want to help. Friends, family, acquaintances…its good to know that I have a support system when I really need one. I’m usually the one helping and wanting to save someone. It’s hard for me to ask for help but its a relief to know it’s really there and I can let someone take care of me when I’m vulnerable.

Maybe I’ll go into more details at a later date but I can’t right now as I’m feeling kinda raw and emotional. I’m hurt, disappointed and angry and life is kinda surreal right now. I need to get to a place where I can start to heal. In this past year there has been an unbelievable amount of stress on me. You know when you say you’re reaching your limit? Well, I’ve found mine and it is not a place I ever want to visit again.

Posted in Life | 2 Comments »

Monday, February 4, 2008; 10:30 pm by Not Suzi.

Well, I know I haven’t written in a few months. Things were nuts for a while but I’ll try to catch you up here.

NOVEMBER

• Got married in the beginning of November as you can read from the previous post.
• Had a death in the family and family from Chicago visiting.
• Went to a wine and tapas dinner with a few friends.
• Lomee made a delicious Thanksgiving dinner for just the 2 of us.
• Worked on another paper for class and submitted Chapter One for my independant research project.

DECEMBER

• Lomee’s holiday party was a blast. Very crowded though (about 1000 people).
• Finished up our church’s introductory class (finally) in order to become members.
• Went to see Little Big Town and Sugarland. Easily the best concert I’ve ever been to.
• Went to Chicago for 5 days over Christmas. Had fun, got to see some friends and family. Shopped at a couple stores I don’t have here.
• Got awesome gifts from family and my Lomee.
• Spent way too much but it was totally worth it to watch the kids (and Lomee!) open their gifts.
• Needed a vacation from Christmas; it was so exhausting. But I’m glad we went and saw everyone.
• Spent New Years Eve at home with Lomee. Lucked out and got a few more days off in a row.

JANUARY

• Beginning of the month was quiet. Still kinda warm here.
• Had my birthday mid-month. Lomee made me an awesome dinner.
• Had a bad sinus infection that I had been battling for a couple weeks. Went to the doctor to take care of that and he put me on Prednisone because I was so achy and inflamed. Allergies are killing me though, which is typical of this area of the US.
• Went to another wine and tapas dinner at the end of the month. Had a great time and delicious food.
• Lomee made a couple yummy dishes I got pictures of. Will post when I get a chance.
• Buddy (black Lab) had an ear infection and had to go to the Vet. He’s better now but I can’t believe how expensive Vets are. I wonder if pet insurance is worth it.
• Sat down with Lomee and worked out a budget and debt reduction plan for the next few months to a year. We are really working on substantially reducing our consumer debt by the end of the year. People that know me know that I hate to carry any consumer debt however, I realize at times it is necessary. So this will be a good thing.
• Lomee is working on a problem at work and his solution is getting the attention of some big-wigs in the organization. I’m proud of and happy for him. I love it when his work inspires and challenges him.
• I have car fever and really want a new one. Mine is about 5 years old and I don’t have any payments, which is nice but I’m really wanting a new one. Not needing, wanting. It’s really not practical right now but I’m hoping by year’s end it will happen. I had been wanting a VW Passat but after reading some not too good reviews, I don’t think I’ll be getting one. At Lomee’s urging I’m considering a BMW 3-series but think it may be too small. I’d really love a 5-series but it’s about $20K more than I want to spend, even for a used one. However, I do like the Infiniti G35 and M. So, we’ll see.

I have more papers and chapters due for school and I’m just trying to wait it out. I graduate in 8 months if I can stay on track. Hopefully there will be a great job in my field waiting for me then (the job market here is great if you’re in an engineering or technical field; not so great if you aren’t).

I’m seriously considering Lasik as my eyes are driving me nuts. Ever since I changed my contacts last summer they have felt dry and itchy. The left one always feels like it doesn’t fit right or there is something in it. The doctor can’t find anything wrong. I’m slowly going insane.

We have to do our taxes or find someone to do them. Lomee has always done his and I’ve had an accountant do mine in the past because of owning my own business. I’ve used Turbo Tax the past 2 years but I’m not sure if I want to go that route this year as there was a lot of changes last year: selling my house, moving, Lomee buying a house, starting school, getting married.

That’s about it. I’ll try to do better with blogging. I just hate to write stuff for the sake of writing; I always feel like its un-interesting. It’s really not much different than what is going on in anyone else’s life. I wish I could be one of those bloggers that could tell stories about their life or pontificate on a subject and have it be relevant and interesting. I think about how certain situations would be amusing or fun to blog about but then I don’t follow through. I suppose I could write about things in my life that many people don’t really know about me or haven’t considered. It may be easier to give you some history about myself so you can better understand me and my thoughts. I don’t really know. It would probably be a bunch of boring shit that you don’t care about anyway.

Posted in doggie, Church, Chicago, Blog, Life, Marriage, My Sweetie, General | No Comments »

Wednesday, October 10, 2007; 9:06 pm by Not Suzi.

I will not be held responsible if you continue reading and experience any adverse health effects from the contents of this blog post.

Lomee and I have been going to church.  Yes, me. I’ve gone to church and the place didn’t burn down nor did I get struck by lightning.

I have not attended church regularly since 1982. Previous to that my mother forced my little sis and me to go to church every Sunday. Whether she was trying to save our souls or gain a few hours peace, I’ll never know. The church was missionary baptist and very strict. Sunday school sucked; same old teachers, students and teachings every year. It was very “clique-y” and being the poor kids whose parents did not attend, we never quite fit in with all the kids whose parents were “good Christians” and active in the church. I hated it and spent most of my time daydreaming. The service entailed the preacher on the pulpit shouting about salvation and saving our souls from eternal hell fire. Organ music and singing the same hymns from musty song books every Sunday. As you can probably guess, this was the time when I was able to catch a quick nap.

Once we moved south in 1982 we went sporadically with friends from school, trying a few different churches but never really settling anywhere for long. At college, I went to church once or twice with a friend but never felt comfortable there either. All together, I doubt I went to church more than 30 times in those 10 years.

I didn’t go to church at all during my marriage to my first husband. He was catholic and there was no way I was gonna get involved with that shit.

Around age 30 or so (coincidentally during a rough time in my life), I started reading about various spiritual and religious beliefs. Mainly those faiths that were non-western in nature. Maybe my involvement in the massage therapy world and exposure to “new age” culture made me think there may be something out there that resonated more than what I had been exposed to. I started reading books on just about anything that was different than what I knew: Paganism, Buddhism, New Age, meditation, astrology, energy work, conscious living, etc. However, I still thought like a western taught Christian and felt like one despite the fact that I could not claim a “religion” or church.

My spiritual beliefs have pretty much been in limbo the past few years. That is, until last year when Lomee came into my life and he introduced me to his church. He went to an awesome church which showed me that church didn’t have to be stuffy & boring. I was definitely interested.

Fast forward to last month. We had been talking about trying a few churches in the area but wasn’t sure which ones to start with. After a search we narrowed it down to 3. The first one was eliminated because they had recently moved and were mainly doing online ministry now. The second one is one of the largest baptist churches in the area. They are a little more modern than where I had gone when I was little, but it still did not feel right. The last church we were considering Lomee was unsure of because the head Pastors were a husband and wife team.

Ultimately, the last church was exactly what we’ve been looking for. It has a lot of similarities to Lomee’s church he left when he moved here last year, and for me it is very different than any church I had ever attended. I had no idea church could be this way…it is almost fun.

It is very progressive and quite large with nearly 3,000 members but it is so well organized and the people there are extremely nice. We felt right at home from the first service and have started attending their 10 week class to become members. They have many ministries and outreaches, and there are classes for children that are broken out into 3 categories by age group, as well as a specialized program for young people interested in going into the ministry. They have different groups based upon your interests and they give a lot of money to missions each year throughout the world.

The service this morning was very cool with upbeat, modern music. There were some people jumping around and singing. I thought maybe there was gonna be a mosh pit down front at one point. Everyone was so excited and happy to be there and the energy just spread throughout the sanctuary.

If you’re interested in reading more about them I will post a link to the church’s website in my “Contact” page of this blog (this is to preserve my location anonymity). Use the same password you have been using to access.

So, are you still with me or did you pass out from shock?

Posted in Church, Life | 1 Comment »

Tuesday, September 25, 2007; 11:41 pm by Not Suzi.

Well, I went back to the doctor last Friday for my test results and to review my medication. Everything came back normal except my uric acids were high. So, the diagnosis is gout. What is so strange is that I didn’t have the main symptom (achy big toe) and it is a disease that is usually found in older men, typically of African-American decent. Gout is a form of arthritis that is hereditary (my grandma had it) where your body produces too much uric acid breaking down the purines in food. Alcohol and animal protein seems to aggravate the condition.

I decided I didn’t want any more medications (other than an anti-inflammatory for pain) and I would try to manage it with dietary changes. This means cutting down the amount of meat I consume, especially red meat, and very little alcohol. I hardly drink anyway, maybe a beer or two a month, because I always felt so badly from it. Terrible body aches the next day from just a drink or two. So I guess having gout makes sense if I react this way to alcohol. I always thought it was due to the metabolizing of the alcohol and the insulin release. But, according to the bloodwork, all that is fine.

I get re-evaluated in 3 months and if my uric acid levels have not gone down then I will consider a short-term dose of allopurinol. He did up the intake of my fibromyalgia med (the anti-depressant) to twice a day. So far, I’ve been lucky that I’ve not had any side effects from that. I am still tired off and on throughout the day but I’m not surprised since both my medications can cause drowsiness. I’m slowly getting used to it and it doesn’t bother me quite as much as it did last week. However, one strange side effect I have noticed is that my left pinky finger and part of my ring finger feels kinda numb and tingly. I’m not sure if this is from the medicine or because I’ve spent so much time on the computer due to my classwork, and I now have a nerve impingement in my neck/shoulder that is causing this feeling. I keep hoping it will get better on its own but I plan on getting a deep tissue massage to try to help it along and maybe visit a chiropractor as well. Otherwise, it’s back to my doc who I don’t think can really do much except run more tests.

Because I’ve been eating better these last two weeks I have lost about 10 lbs. I’ve given up sugar and the foods I know I’m sensitive to as well as reduced my simple carb intake. Since it now looks like I’m having to limit my meat as well, I’ve added in a lot more veggies and some complex carbs. Lomee introduced me to Tofutti “cream cheese” and I love it on rye crackers with cucumber slices and dill. It’s my new lunchtime meal. So yummy, and it really does taste like cream cheese.

I need to investigate sources of vegetable protein and increase my intake of that since animal protein is limited to 1-2x’s a week. I’ve looked into eating raw foods but I don’t think I’d like the effort and commitment it would take to maintain that lifestyle. I am reading about eating whole foods and it is much of what I do now and how I enjoy eating anyway. It fits in well with my life and food limitations and is very simple to follow. Not to mention that it is very nutritious as well. Lomee also eats this way much of the time too. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Posted in Health, Food, Life | 2 Comments »

Thursday, September 20, 2007; 5:57 pm by Not Suzi.

Here are some cute pics of the boys from the past weekend.  We don’t really have a “backyard” since we are on the side of a mountain.   There are some rocks and landscaping with a few big boulders, plants and mulch.  The only yard we have is on the side of the house and curving into the front a little, with some more rocks, trees, and mulch in the front.

These pics were taken from our back deck on Sunday.  We let them run around and have fun retrieving a ball Lomee was throwing.

Posted in doggie, Life, The Boys | No Comments »