October

There were some lay-offs at work in August and rumors of more coming up.  My company is very pro-active when it comes to laying off…they don’t wait until they are losing money but starts cutting costs and laying off people before that can happen.  So even though we have been profitable, knowing the economy is slowing down and that fact that a large project we were working on for a utility company was put on hold prompted the lay-offs in August.  We were awarded a project for a university last month and while that may help for a while it may not others from losing their jobs.

I’ve been unpacking and trying to get the house organized.  I still have boxes in the dining room to unpack and my bed to get upstairs and put together.  And I can’t seem to find and keep a yard guy…they show up once or twice then don’t come back.  I did buy a bike in order to get out and be more active.  The weather here is beautiful and it’s great to be able to take advantage of it 10+ months out of the year.  I did meet with an ENT and he is going to take out my tonsils and fix my deviated septum.  Surgery is scheduled for the Friday before Thanksgiving and I’ll recover the following week.  My sister was coming out to help take care of me the first few days but that fell through.  I’m confident I can do it on my own with the help of a friend or two.  I’ve also been to the dentist and for some reason my teeth have decided to rot out of my head in the past 18 months since I last went to one.  I have a handful of cavities that need filling and 2 crowns.   Take a look at my hillbilly teeth:

Hillbilly Teeth

November

Same old stuff.  Surgery went fine.  Sucked but not as bad as it would have a few years ago…now they remove tonsils using radio frequency waves instead of a heated scalpel.  Less trauma to the surrounding tissue and reduces the risk of bleeding.  I still couldn’t eat for 3 weeks and lost 20 lbs.

Roommate is driving me nuts.  I’m realizing he’s a slob and I keep asking him to clean up after himself.  For some reason he doesn’t notice the crumbs and spills he leaves on the countertop.  He says he’ll try to be more observant but it has yet to happen.  He doesn’t understand how disgusting it is to go into the kitchen and see his mess which I have to clean up before I can start making my own food.  Fucking pig.

December

We had our company holiday party which was totally lame.  It was supposed to be at an architectural landmark with a decent budget but at the last minute our office director decided to cut the budget in half and host it in our office.  Very tacky.  A few of us went out afterwards which was nice though.  The project we won for the university went on hold so lay-offs next month are pretty much guaranteed despite the company trying to reassure everyone.  I know I’ll be one of the ones let go.  I don’t hang out with the right clique and kiss ass like some others.  At my office your qualifications and experience doesn’t matter as much as who you know and suck up to.

I decided not to go home for Christmas and just stayed home vegging.  I had nearly 2 weeks off work and have been getting some things done around the house.  It’s coming together rather nicely and I’ve bought a couple furniture pieces to go with the place.  I did start dating again.  Met 2 guys through Yahoo Personals and have gone out with one of them a couple times but don’t think we’re very compatible in the long run.  I do like the other one a lot though.  He is very active physically but has a calming energy.   I plan on seeing more of him.

I’ll write more later and catch you up on the first couple months of the new year.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m back in the blogging mood again.   I know it’s been 6+ months since my last post and life has been a little crazy with a lot happening but I promise to catch you up.  Additionally, I’ve been working behind the scenes the past month changing blog hosts and updating my WP template then importing all my old blog posts so everything will look nice & purty for you.

I’ll be writing more this week so don’t forget to come back to see me!

Nothing interesting going on here.  Got my sofa delivered and it is HUGE (100”W x 44”D x 30”H), but beautiful and I’ve added two orange and gold throw pillows to it (see pictures below).  I have my old sofa up for sale on CL but no takers yet.  I still have to find the bag of screws/nuts/bolts, etc. for the dining room table and bedroom set.  I’m slowly unpacking but am having a hard time getting things in their place.  I don’t know if it is a storage issue or just a very different layout than what I’m used to but I can’t quite seem to get things organized.  Not to mention I’m missing some things that have yet to be found and unpacked (silverware, glasses, etc.).  And I need bookshelves (have a lot of books).  I got rid of mine when I moved from Chicago to AL because our house there had an entire wall of bookcases.  Now I have none so I’m going to see what I can find that will fit up in my loft with a small desk and maybe a comfy chair.

There are a hundred little things that need to be done.  I’m getting some responses to the post I did on CL for a handyman and hope to have someone in here in the next week or so.  I’d like to find the furniture screws first so he can put the dining table together.

Gave Dempsey a much needed bath today and scooped the poop in the yard.  Finally did some grocery shopping after over a month in my new house.  Found the DVD player and got the TV set up so movies can be watched.  Also found the DVR DirectTV receiver.  I was worried I left it in AL and was going to have to pay them for it.  Now I can return it to that shit-ass company.  Still researching other options for TV viewing; I like satellite but don’t want to go with DirectTV again but am not sure about DishNetwork.  Cable is last on the list.  But to be honest, I don’t watch that much TV and don’t miss it.  It has literally been months since I’ve watch any shows consistently.

I found a place to upholster my chair and need to go pick out fabric.  I’m also looking at paint colors for a couple of the walls and will get the wood floor installed in the next couple months.  So, like I said there is not much happening at mi casa.

My sofa is white and I should be crazy but I love it.  I can order slipcovers to change out the white (which I will be doing) to give it a different feel.  I love the pillows and the gold koi embroidered on the orange silk.  It will go very well with the hardwood and burnt orange wall I have planned.

I’ve been pretty bored with my music selection lately and have felt in a rut in regards to what I have been listening to. I OD’d on modern Christian when I lived in AL and got tired of listening to the satellite radio in my car. I’ve just been floating around channel surfing trying to find a decent station (like XRT in Chicago) and can’t seem to find anything close.

So I started downloading lots of songs based upon groups I like and am discovering. I’m finding that my tastes are swinging a little bit more harsh lately but with a mellow undercurrent (Linkin Park, Staind, etc.) I already have about 35 gigs of music (over 7200 songs) on my laptop and a huge rubbermaid tub full of CD’s I still have to load in to it…probably another 35 gigs. However, I’ve been holding off on that until I can get my Mac backed up to an external drive or server.

If you want a decent place to download music legally and very inexpensively, go to mp3fiesta.com.   I’ve found that they have nearly everything I’ve looked for at about 20 cents per song or $2 per CD. Just make sure to follow the instructions for downloading (right clicking and saving the song).

Enjoy!

My plan was to go to bed early. I got a massage after work, grabbed dinner then came home with the intent of relaxing in bed with a book by 9:30 and asleep not long after. However, my dog had other ideas since he has been home alone all day and wanted to play, not sleep. One of the reasons I’m so tired is because for the past three mornings he has been waking me up at 5 a.m.  I let him out thinking he’s about to piss himself (and my floor) only to find that he wants to wander around sniffing everything, play with his toys and chase the cat that like to sleep along the top of my fence. Takes him about 10 minutes to finally pee, all the while I’m becoming more awake. I finally get back to bed looking forward to more sleep and he’s doing it again an hour later! Fucker.

Well, I’ve been making an effort of late to start blogging again. I mainly blog to keep my family up to date on my life since I tend to be a loner; I figure it keeps them from worrying and I don’t have to repeat myself for everyone.  Even though my intentions are to be totally honest on my blog I find that I censor myself more than I’d like. I retired an old blog for that same reason and started this new one but have just been more careful about who knows about it.

Life this past year have been nuts, as you can imagine, with the past 6 months being pretty difficult; Lomee has been gone now for 4 of them. I’ve lived in 3 different states since July of 2007 and recently moved across country by myself, found a job and bought a home. I am learning (again) who I am and how I want to live and am making great progress toward some personal goals I have set. There are a few big ones still out there that I’m not quite ready to tackle as of yet but they will come with time.

My sister was in town last week and we had a blast doing some of the tours around here (pics and narrative to follow soon). I’m trying to be more social since my natural tendency is to do things on my own or stay home. I went out bowling on Friday with people from work for a fund raiser; started out only going to support the bowlers but they were short a person so I bowled a game or two. My friend Mark came over for a couple hours on Saturday (not sure if you remember him (JJH)…I dated him before I met Lomee again), got my hair cut in the afternoon then went over friends for dinner that night.

Sunday I slept late then did some power shopping buying a new sofa and some lamps for my house. The only other things I want to do is put hardwood in the living room and remove the pedestal sinks in the master bath and put in a counter. I really need to find a handyman to help with a few things around here that I have no interest or knowledge to do. I also need a new lawn boy as my last one flaked on me and my dog is freaking every time he goes out since the grass is up to his belly.

Got asked for my number while at the hair dressers on Saturday by a client there. It’s so strange; I haven’t really even thought seriously about dating but the subject has come up a couple times in the past week or so. I am not a natural flirt and to be honest I don’t even recognize when I’m being flirted with unless the guy is pretty blatant about it. I know I’m not a particularly attractive person but I seem to get hit on more than I think is normal. However, to be fair it is usually when I’m just being friendly instead of my typical reserved self. And the age range is all over the place…mid-20’s to about mid-50’s. I know I look younger than I am but I think I act my age…just don’t know what it is. I’m usually not too picky when I do date (other than intelligent and good hygiene), but they can’t be too young or too old. Too young, say under 30, is just weird because I have nephews that age. And too old (50+) is kinda gross because they have old, er, parts. In case you’re curious, I didn’t give him my number but he did give me his card and asked me to call him. Which, of course, I’m not going to do because that is just not my style and the whole interaction just seemed kind of odd.

My movers came last Thursday with the rest of my furniture but I seem to be missing things. I don’t know if my other movers forget stuff or if these did, but I can’t wait to get things unpacked and in place. I need help moving some heavy items upstairs and don’t really know anyone who can do that. I have a friend that has offered to come over some evening this week and do it but I’m not sure if the timing will work out since he’s leaving on vacation on Thursday. And another friend who said he would help is out of town. So I either have to wait or probably pay someone. Sucks.

Trying to decide if I should go out boating next Saturday with a couple I met. I could be totally wrong but I’m kinda leary about it because I think they just want in my pants (intuited by hints and vague suggestions). So bizarre; I’m not a lesbian or even bi but you would not believe how often I come across couples that swing or invite a female into their bed. I have a pretty healthy and open view about sex but if I’m not interested you’re not going to change my mind. I’m a dick girl; to me, girly bits are icky.

OK, I think I’ve written enough and have caught you up on most of my life recently. I’m off to bed.

People have been asking me when I’m going to start blogging again. To be honest, I plan to every night but usually get distracted or tired and everything I wanted to blog about just leaves my head. But I promised I’d make an effort and try to get back into the habit of doing it a couple times a week at least.

I’m in my new home and LOVE IT! I love the location and am enjoying the home improvement part of home-ownership. I have owned four homes in the past 15 years but this one seems to be the most “me”. Dempsey loves it here…he runs up and down the stairs and around the main floor. His personality has changed in the short amount of time we’ve been here. He seems happier and more at peace; but then so am I. I’ll post pictures when I finally get unpacked.

My little sis will be here in 5 days! Yay! I haven’t seen her since I left Chicago to come out here at the end of March and I miss her terribly. We’re staying at her timeshare for a few days and heading north to see the Grand Canyon, since neither of us have been there. I keep trying to get her to move out here with me but somehow life with her husband and kids keep her there. Go figure.

I have so much unpacking to do but don’t feel like doing any of it because of this head cold I have. I want to get the kitchen organized and my clothes hung up by the weekend before little sis’ visit but I doubt I will finish it all. Plus, I have to take Dempsey to the vet tomorrow night to update his shots since I’m boarding him while we’re away.

I should get the last load from my movers next week sometime. I plan on selling most of the furniture since it doesn’t quite fit into this home and my style, and it reminds me of a lot of things I’d rather not think about. I can’t wait for my mattress though; right now I’m sleeping on my old one that is going in the guest room.

I have a sofa picked out that I need to make time to order and I think I’m going to have my chair upholstered since I love it so much and can’t find anything comparable. The movers really trashed it (torn arm, scuff, broken leg rest) so I’ll use the money from the insurance and apply to new fabric. Right now it is covered in leather but I think that material is too hot for this climate.

See, I blogged. Sorry to bore you but there’s not much exciting going on.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the various emotions I have encountered in my life in the past year, especially these last couple months.  Not from a neurotic viewpoint but more as a bystander observing the process.  I know about the stages of grief and how every person experiences them differently, but that is not where my thoughts lie.  People seem to think that sorrow is a fragile emotion but I’ve found it to be anything but frail and brittle.   It is a thick, stifling rage full of betrayal and guilt; a deep, hollow ache that steals hope.   It turns you into a liar…to your friends, your family and yourself; outwardly you’re “doing fine” when really that voice in your head is screaming.  It’s the hand that pushes you under every time you come up for air.  It’s every dark thought you’re afraid to have and every vanished hope that has left behind emptiness.  You wish it would numb the pain but instead it brings it into sharp focus, demanding attention like the burning sting of salt in paper cut.  There is nothing delicate about sorrow.  Sorrow is the albatross of remembrance.

Reading back over my previous post I find it kinda ironic that I thought I had hit a limit of sorts. Needless to say, I had no idea what life had in store for me.

To give you some background, in early December Lomee had started drinking heavily (in secret) to deal with emotional issues related to his family. After 2 months of begging him to get help and going through a version of hell I never expected to experience, I finally left him mid-February. I could not see myself continuing to live in the life he was choosing and I felt as long as I was around to clean up the mess, he would never stop and/or get help on his own. I didn’t stop loving him; I was removing myself from a seriously bad situation. I could go into the details but they are pretty ugly. I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions and you may not be far from the truth. I was trying to be a loving, supportive wife at the risk of losing my own sanity. Needless to say, it was difficult for me to objectively look at the situation I was in, so after much discussion with family and friends I returned to Chicago.

Those 2 or so months when he was drinking were so opposite from what we had been living the previous 5. I felt blindsided and had no clue what to do or how to react. It was so stressful trying to pretend everything was fine when I was at work or talking to family, but having this feeling of unease about what was going on in my personal life with my husband. I’d drive home from work crying, wondering what was waiting for me when I got home.

He stopped coming to bed to sleep, claiming insomnia and needing time alone. When I started find empty vodka bottles I figured out he was staying up all night drinking and passing out in his recliner. I started searching around and would find some with booze in them. I’d dump them out if I felt like fighting or fill them with water if I was too exhausted from trying to make him see what was happening to us. When I’d confront him we would have a huge fight with it always ending up with him promising to quit.

He was unmotivated: stopped cooking, started going into work later and leaving earlier, stopped playing guitar, gave up showering on weekends, watched DVDs for hours and days on end. So, he didn’t stop drinking…just tried hiding it better but the signs were easy to see once I knew what to look for. After a huge blow-up and my meeting with a therapist only to hear what I already knew, I started talking more with my sister about what was happening. On Valentine’s Day when I had made plans for us, he decided not to come home from work and went out with a friend. He didn’t come home for 2 days. My sisters and family were down there that Saturday to pack my stuff and head to Chicago.

I spoke at length with Lomee over the next week. He had stopped drinking (for the moment) and was depressed because he had a meeting with his work with the result being that he was to go into the EAP program and get well or it would cost him his job. He accepted these terms, however rejected every offer of help in order for him to keep his therapy appointments. He canceled and rescheduled 3 appointments over the next 4 days, never making any of them. Ultimately, they ended up terminating him because of this.

We discussed him finding a new job and us reconciling once he was in a better place. He had a couple leads from friends on jobs in other parts of the country and was talking to a head hunter. He seemed down but was level-headed and motivated. He wasn’t feeling well and said he was going to get some rest and would talk to me later. I wasn’t able to reach him the rest of the day and night so the next day I had the police do a well visit check. He was home and said he knew I was trying to reach him but he wanted to be alone and would call me later.

I didn’t talk to him for a few days and was getting worried so I had a neighbor go over and check on him. The neighbor couldn’t get an answer to his knocks, noticed the mail piling up and called the police. I received a call later that afternoon from his sister saying that the police were able to get into the house and they found him dead at the bottom of the stairs. It looked like he had started throwing up blood at the top of the stairs and collapsed, sliding down to the bottom. The cause of death was cardiopulmonary arrest due to diabetes and pancreatitis.

I was instantly dropped into a state of surreality that continued for quite a few weeks. I went back to our home to handle a minutia of tasks that I never expected to have to deal with. So many friends and family members helped me along the way: taking me to the airport, paying for my ticket, picking me up and making a 2 hour drive to our town, giving me a place to stay so I didn’t have to stay at the house where he died, opening their workplace to me so I would have somewhere to make calls and send faxes from. My close friend Dana flew in from Chicago for a couple days to not only be with me but also help out with packing and the many phone calls that needed to be made, thereby making my life a little easier which allowed me to start grieving in a place where I felt safe and the comfort of a good friend. My mere words or actions cannot express the gratitude I have for the people that helped or offered assistance. I am eternally grateful for every prayer sent my way, not only during the immediate days after his passing but also continuing through today.

Lomee had many friends throughout is life that thought so highly of him, as he did them. He expressed many times how much he loved my family and was amazed by our closeness and the laughter we share so easily. He enjoyed watching movies about the triumph of the human spirit, which always left him in tears but didn’t stop him from watching them over and over again. You only had to look into those amazing blue eyes and listen to his soft southern voice to know his faith and see his dreams; they were both such an integral part of his very existence. Despite the problems he had, he was a very sweet man with a warm, loving heart and an extremely kind soul, a man I know that will be truly missed by many. He played a kick-ass guitar, had a brain like a computer, was damn near a chef in the kitchen and loved me more than I thought was ever possible.

Well, OK. Maybe I’m not actually a blatant liar, but I have lied by omission. My life is a mess. I’m going through a serious life transition right now. I went into something trusting and loving with an open heart, giving all I had the best I knew how and now I am paying the price.

I’m a pretty strong person and good at moving on and leaving emotional baggage behind. I’ll be fine. I’ll have some scars though but nothing too bad. Just a reminder of how good and bad it was at one time. I’m both surprised and blessed at the number of people that care for me and want to help. Friends, family, acquaintances…its good to know that I have a support system when I really need one. I’m usually the one helping and wanting to save someone. It’s hard for me to ask for help but its a relief to know it’s really there and I can let someone take care of me when I’m vulnerable.

Maybe I’ll go into more details at a later date but I can’t right now as I’m feeling kinda raw and emotional. I’m hurt, disappointed and angry and life is kinda surreal right now. I need to get to a place where I can start to heal. In this past year there has been an unbelievable amount of stress on me. You know when you say you’re reaching your limit? Well, I’ve found mine and it is not a place I ever want to visit again.